Ahorn in town

You may have noted that yesternight there were no updates about police impounding stolen metal and taking it to the police station and shuma ikalala ndani blah blah blah.

That’s because my street godfather, The Ahornymous, or simply Ahorn, was in town.

So he hit me up. Hey Chimp, what are you doing tonight?

I was planning on just staying in and maintaining calm.

Haha, come on kid! It’s been, what, five years? You can’t keep brooding, get yourself a woman!

I’m not brooding. Why would you even ask me what I am doing tonight? Do you feel like you need to get to come and get laid?

Haha, good one! I see you are growing some pubes. Sorry for asking a fag question. Anyway, I am in town, see you at the Tavern in 20.


A weird relationship it is, between me and Ahorn. We express affection by feigning lack of it. If I sound excited by his invite for a drink, he will say I am going gay. Not that he rounds up gays and gives them a thrashing, no. But he would prefer if people were not gay. Simple.

Aaah, boy, this town does not look so bad on you. You look a different kind of ugly. An ugly a desperate girl could use.

Hehe, thank you. I see you have taken to using some make up yourself.

Well, well, you are getting the grind. Whiskey never made anyone grow old, I told you. Age does. Speaking of make up, are you still going to the beauty parlour.

It’s not a beauty parlour. It’s a salon, and I just went to have my locks made. Every man does.

Every gay man. Dedan Kimathi didn’t.

Well, I don’t go anymore.

Praise the Lord!!

So we keep sipping our whiskey in silence. Ahorn believes ‘catching up’ is a term and practice reserved for girls who have not met since morning. After around half an hour, I blurt out.

Hey man, you’re silent.

Sorry hun, I just had a really long day!

I look around, sure that the last statement just sent the wrong message to so many people around us, sure that none of them aware of the old chimp’s sarcasm. No one noticed, I note with relief.

Shit! And fuck you!

Haha, you’re welcome. Say, boy, if you were invited to a women’s summit to give a talk on female circumcision, what would you say?

Thanks for your invitation, but I’m sorry I can’t make it.

Haha, good one. I’ll rephrase that. If you are at a women summit to give a talk on female circumcision, what would you say?

Female genital mutilation is bad. Refuse it, resist it, stop it.

Why would you say that?

Because it is bad.


I don’t know.

Why do you even call it mutilation? It does not involve violence.

But there is irreparable disfiguration.

So is there in male circumcision.

Say, are you advocating female genital mutilation?


When Ahorn says ‘Jesus,’in caps,  know you just fucked up! I was looking for a way to get back in it, when he continued.

Kid, I thought you had started growing up. You should have told me it’s that time! Say, who has talked about FGM, or female circumcision? Can’t you think beyond your nose? You are running after minors too much it’s taking its toll on your thinking. God! Get yourself a woman your age, if not for anything, for occasional brain checks!

Okay, okay big man! Hold up! Looks like your biological clock is beginning to sync with mine. One, I am not chasing minors, far from it. But that’s besides the point. Say, where were you going with this?

What I intended to say is, people are selfish. Not that I have a problem with that, but I am just telling you they are. Take female circumcision for example. What you are calling genital mutilation. Where did it come from?

I will tell you. It came from men. It came from men who wanted to suppress their wives’ sexual urges so they wouldn’t play outside. They wanted their women to just be their vessels for use.  The women were made to believe it was equality; a rite of passage equal to what men underwent. But did the men have their dongs cut off? See? Selfish.

Then when, where and why did it become mutilation? When the same men got to grind with uncircumcised women, they realised their cut women were not going the distance. They were, well, plain. Unexcited, uninvolved. So they sought to put an end to the practice.

But the women had already taken to it. Why you want us to abandon our rite, they asked. And around then, it was rebranded ‘mutilation,’ to convince the women it was a violation of their womanhood. And so it became.

But why is it that some communities are still pushing it, I quipped.

You see, with it came the dilemma. While the men were happy that the uncut girls could now go at it with amazing raw energy, their egos got a big deflation from the possibility of not satisfying this new brand of women. So now, to cut and have less pleasure or to keep uncut and risk humiliation-and away games. Kizungumkuti.

Again, the already cut women were now at risk of rejection now that real action lay elsewhere. To protect themselves, they had to insist that circumcision was the only rite to becoming a full woman. Even today, go to many of those communities you are talking about and you will find that women are largely pro-Female circumcision.

So now we have the men, the uncut women and the older cut generation of women. All with varying opinions. Each based on self-interest. Selfishness, I say, human nature.

But from where do you know all this. Is it factual?

Kid, I don’t speak stuff I don’t know. I’d say kua uyaone, but for now, keep taking whisky.

Around then, a group of three chaps joined us, with some female company in tow. Apparently they are Ahorn’s former workmates at the water services company. When did Ahorn even work at water services? Now these are the chimps Ahorn should talk to about chasing minors. And the whole debate was replayed again: where did female circumcision come from, and when/why did the fight against it begin.

All I can say is, I largely agree with Ahorn’s theory. Where he got it, I will never understand!

But say, how does one get to work at water services? Or survey? I mean, what do you study in school, plumbing?



9 thoughts on “Ahorn in town

  1. Mboya! yees! It is hard not to like this one! Even the style you’ve used to bring across a usually very serious, grim issue is amazing! The flow, the convo… then the theory you’ve put across. brilliant and actually it does make sense. heard yesterday from kenyan lady, Kang’ethe, who won a seat as a mayor in england, point out that some of these vices emerge from the people themselves refusing to change and abhor the stupidity, the selfishness, the jealousy, etc. Makes complete sense how it turned into FGM

      1. I wish you had posted this advice sooner before i opened a can of worms with a couple of women on MKZ over gender equality 😂😂

  2. Wherever FGM came from. its shuldnt be there atleast not now…too barbaric.makes us Africans look like wild animals. whom ever came up with it should be cursed with the strongest words possible.I once witnesd it done by one siriaka on some neigbors and the taste it left on me aint Good.

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